Lessons I’m teaching myself.

Here in the twilight of my 20’s I feel a need to pen what have been realizations decades in the making, which I am — thankfully — taking out of theory and putting into practice. Here goes.

— Nothing that anyone ever taught you will predict the way things actually turn out to be. It’s better to roll with the punches than bemoan the fact that your life isn’t following some predetermined standard. You make a million micro-decisions every day- who we are is just what we choose in every moment.

— The great lie that amatonormative upbringing has taught us is that you find only one “true love” that’s supposed to fulfill all your needs and you’re meant to spend your life with them. That finding them makes a life, and losing them breaks one. It makes heartbreak especially hard to take, but you simply have not “lost your chance” if the best you’ve had (thus far) is over. Love can be found at any age, with any person (or passion!), in any form, for any length of time — if you open your heart to it.

— Take note of how often you say “no” to yourself, and take stock of where that discouragement comes from. You’re old enough to be the caretaker of your own life now, and yet still struggle to unlearn the brake system your guardians put in place for you growing up. You’re bigger than that now. Fear will always be present, but you are it’s keeper, not the other way around. Choose to be brave.

—Answer for your past mistakes, make amends, and then systematically apply yourself to being better. You are already worlds better than before. Keep going.

— When you get stuck, do something to surprise yourself. Stagnancy is a fiction, complacency is death. Don’t ever get bored of yourself.

— Get decent at stepping outside of ego-based reactions and deeply listen to the needs and feelings of the people you affect. They will alert you to your blind spots and where you desperately need to grow.

— Don’t let your vague concept of “perfect” undermine your progress toward a more realistic excellence.

— The universe is chaotic and there is darkness, heartbreak, and tragedy in every fucking corner but my god there is also immense beauty and wonder and possibility for connection. Hang on to the hope of meaning, and put that hope into action. Be a reason why people carry on.

— Question whether what you’re doing or making is coming from the deepest recesses of your heart, and if it is not- find a way to make it so. The more authentically you share of yourself, the more beauty you find in the depths of others.

— Nurture your energy. Protect it from those who seek to steal it from you. Rest it when it’s been overworked. Put a hefty price tag on it, and have folks acknowledge the price before offering it to them. You’re expensive. Act like it.

— The past will always be there, in both its beauty and horror. You will never get it back, or change it- which is a blessing. It exists so that you can keep moving through what you’ve learned.

— Pick up new books, new skills, new collaborators, new ideas like you’re going to be graded on them at the end of each semester. Don’t let your scope of reference stagnate at what you last learned in college.

— When suffering seems inescapable and depression takes hold, just know that you have been here and weathered through this before, and will do so again. You are in a dark room but you are not alone. Keep going until the light reappears, because it will - as surely as day follows night. Every feeling is temporary.

— The baseline for your worth does not lie in your accomplishments, your employment, others’ approval, your beauty, or your marital status. It lies in a belief in the intrinsic value of your individual life and experience, one that has unique significance that nothing and no one can take away.

— Be kinder to yourself and others. Aggression comes from a place of fear, the hurt child that attacks to dispel energy, but ends up pollinating more aggression into the world. Recognize the humanity in people, and show mercy. Break the cycle of retaliation.

—Fully anticipate what you will need before saying “yes” to something. Estimate your projected energy cost just like you would with estimating a later ETA due to rush hour traffic. If whatever you’re trying to commit to does not have room for you to take the space you need, say no. Be able to say “no” over and over again.

— Other people’s accomplishments are fully theirs and not indicators of your personal loss. What is meant to be yours will definitely be yours.

— Keep going to therapy. No exceptions.

— Not every one of your dreams will come true, and that will be ok. Learn when to let old dreams go so that new dreams can blossom.

— Self-love is radical. Love is radical. Fighting for equality and justice and a better world is radical. Anything worth doing in life is radical, and requires tremendous effort to achieve. But life is so goddamned short that it makes all of this necessary. Mortality is not a curse- it is the gift of urgency. Heal now, hope now, give now, because now is all we’ve got.

I’ll see ya around for the next 10 and beyond.

x

Jen

“The ultimate, hidden truth of the world is that it is something that we make, and could just as easily make differently.” — David Graeber, “The Utopia of Rules”